Woody's Round-Up

The Golden Horseshoe, Disneyland

As guests enter The Golden Horseshoe, they can hear delightfully scratchy recordings of classic cowboy music: Gene Autry, Roy Rogers, Riders in the Sky, Buffalo Bob. They croon sweetly about coyotes, dogies, lost loves and homes on the range.The stage is masked by a vaudeville-style olio curtain, featuring caricatures of Woody, Jessie and Bullseye. In the center, surrounded by a giant lariat, is the Woody’s Roundup logo, featuring smiling Sheriff Woody himself. The stage right box seating area is the stage manager/narrator’s station, set up with a 1950s microphone, cue cards, and an “APPLAUSE” sign. The stage left box is for our host, Tex Tumbleweed. It’s outfitted with low-tech sound effects equipment: coconut shells, a squeak box, a ratchet, a slide whistle, a bucket, an old rusty bell, etc.

Guests get their food and find seats. Our Operations Cast Members invite the littler kids to sit up front in the “Kiddie Corral,” a carpeted area sectioned off by a one-foot high wooden fence, where the kids can sit right on the floor in front of the stage.

As show time approaches, the lights dim. Black and white slides of the Woody’s Roundup show appear on the curtain, replacing the logo. During these projections we hear the Woody’s Roundup theme song:

MUSIC: “WOODY’S ROUNDUP THEME” (RIDERS IN THE SKY RECORDING)

WOODY’S ROUNDUP

RIGHT HERE EV’RY DAY

WOODY’S ROUNDUP

COME ON, IT’S TIME TO PLAY

THERE’S JESSIE, THE YODELIN’ COWGIRL

YO-DE-LAY-EE-YO-DEL-O-DLE-YO-DE-LAY-EE-OH-EE

BULLSEYE, HE’S WOODY’S HORSE (He’s a smart one!)

PETE THE OLD PROSPECTOR

AND WOODY THE MAN HIMSELF OF COURSE

IT’S TIME FOR WOODY’S ROUNDUP

HE’S THE VERY BEST

HE’S THE ROOTIN’EST, TOOTIN’EST COWBOY IN THE

WILD WILD WEST

(instrumental)

WOODY’S ROUNDUP

COME ON AND GATHER ‘ROUND

WOODY’S ROUNDUP

WHERE NOBODY WEARS A FROWN

BAD GUYS GO RUNNIN’

WHENEVER HE’S IN TOWN

HE’S THE ROOTIN’EST, TOOTIN’EST, SHOOTIN’EST, HOOTIN’EST COWBOY AROUND

WOODY’S ROUNDUP

(During this, our STAGE MANAGER appears and begins checking to make sure things are ready. He’s sort of a nervous, nerdy type, very well spoken, but maybe just a bit stiff. Think Walter Mitty or Harvey Milquetoast. As the Woody’s Roundup footage and the song end, the stage manager comes to the stage to warm up the audience. NOTE: The year is 1957.)

STAGE MANAGER

Uh, good afternoon* to you there, boys and girls. Welcome to “Woody’s Roundup.” I’m the stage manager here on the program, Wilson Netherspoon. Now before we get rolling here I just want to remind you that you’re all going to be on television, so sit up straight and show America your good posture and your brightest smile. Come on…let’s see you. (gently, to an adult male audience member) Ah, young man? You’re slouching. Remember: good posture and a bright smile are an important part of your “Roundup Regimen!” Ah. That’s better. Oh, what wonderful manners you all have!

Alrighty now, everyone, one more thing: I’m going to be cueing you to applaud at certain points during the program, so be sure to clap good and loud when you see me hold up the sign, yes? Let’s practice, shall we?

(The stage manager goes to the stage right box seating area, where the “APPLAUSE” sign is preset.)

STAGE MANAGER

O.K., ladies and gentlemen, here we go. Ready? (He holds up the sign. They applaud.) Oh, that’s lovely, but I think we may need to clap a little louder so that all the little boys and girls at home can hear, yes? (He holds up the sign again. Louder applause.) Gee! You little whippersnappers sure can take direction! I guess we’re ready to begin. (VERY loudly:) QUIET ON THE SET!

(We hear a chorus of male backstage voices, presumably the TV crew, repeating the command: “Quiet on the set!”)

STAGE MANAGER

WE’RE STARTING!

(The backstage voices repeat “Starting.” “Starting.”)

STAGE MANAGER

CUE THE ANNOUNCER!

(Suddenly there’s a timpani roll. The stage lights burst to full illumination. To our surprise, our timid stage manager steps to the mike, cups his hand to his ear and intones in the style of a cheesy 50s announcer:)

AUDIO: TIMPANI ROLL (ending in funny guitar twang)

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

Helllllllllooooo there boys and girls! It’s time once again for evvvrybody’s favorite show, Woody’s Roundup! (He holds up the “APPLAUSE” sign.) And now here’s the host of Woody’s Roundup, your old pal, Tex Tumbleweed!

(The stage manager holds up the “APPLAUSE” sign as Tex Tumbleweed enters. He’s a friendly old cowpoke with a guitar and a warm smile. Tex strums as he enters.)

TEX

Well hey there, cowpokes! I’m Tex Tumbleweed. Can everybody say “Heyyyyyy Tex!”? (The audience responds.) Are ya’ all ready fer the show? (The audience responds.) Have ya’ watered yer horses and checked yer six shooters at the door? (The audience responds.) Well then, looks like th’ only thing left ta’ do is sing The Hey Howdy Hey Song! Do ya’ all know how ta’ sing The Hey Howdy Hey Song? (The audience responds.) Ya’ don’t?! (happily) Well, then, I reckon I’ll hafta’ teach ya’, won’ I?

(Tex starts strumming his guitar. He strolls through the theatre as he sings:)

TEX

THERE’S A WAY TO SAY “HELLO”

THAT ALL THE COWBOYS KNOW

A PHRASE THAT EVEN CITY FOLKS CAN SAY

WELL Y’ JUST SAY “HEY,” THEN “HOWDY”

AND THEN SAY “HEY” AGAIN

AND THAT’S THE WAY WE SAY “HEY HOWDY HEY!”

(spoken:) Well that’s the way we greet each other around here. Now I’m gonna sing the chorus, and when I get to the “hey howdy hey!” part, I wontcha ta’ yell it out proud as a peacock! Okie doke? Here we go!

(On each “hey howdy hey”, the stage manager holds up a “HEY HOWDY HEY” cue card. He’s very professional about it.)

TEX

OHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

SING ALONG WITH ME / NOW ONE, TWO THREE

HEY HOWDY HEY! (spoken:) That’s it!!

YELL IT NICE AND LOUD AND TALL AND PROUD

HEY HOWDY HEY!

WELL YOU COULD SAY “HI THERE, PARD’NER”

IF THAT’S YER COWBOY STYLE

BUT WHEN YOU SAY “HEY HOWDY HEY”

YOU’LL ALWAYS GIT A SMILE

SO GREET’CHER KIN WITH A BIG OLE GRIN AN’:

“HEY HOWDY HEY!”

JEST SAY HELLO TA’ EV’RYONE YOU KNOW WITH:

“HEY HOWDY HEY!”

YOU C’N BETCHER LAST PLUG NICKEL

THAT YOU’LL HAVE A SUNNY DAY

WHEN Y’ SIMPLY SMILE AND SAY “HEY HOWDY HEY!”

(spoken:) Well, you all sure are fast learners! Now we got one more chorus comin' up. So this time, I want eeeeeeeverybody ta’ sing out, and “hey howdy hey” fer all yer worth! Are ya’ ready?

NOWWWWWWWWWW!

EV’RY OLD COWPOKE AND HIS OLD COW FOLK, SAY

HEY HOWDY HEY!

EV’RY BUFFALO GAL IN THE OLD CORRAL, SAY

HEY HOWDY HEY!

EV’RY ROUGH AND ROOTIN’ RIDER

WITH HIS RUGGED RAWHIDE REINS

AND EV’RY FRIENDLY FARMER

ABOVE THE FRUITED PLAINS

(spoken:) Now say it like y’ saw a snake! Everybody!

HEY HOWDY HEY!

(spoken:) Now say it like its choc-late cake! All together!

HEY HOWDY HEY!

WELL YOU C’N BETCHER SPURS AND SADDLE

THAT THINGS’LL GO YER WAY

WHEN Y’ SIMPLY SMILE AND WAVE AND LAUGH

AND JUMP UP AND DOWN AND TURN AROUND

AND JIMMY CRACK CORN AND SKIP TO M’ LOU

AND KISS YER MOM AND BRUSH YER TEETH

AND MAKE A FACE AND HOLY SMOKE AND SAAAAAAAAAAAY.

(spoken:) Everybody!

HEY HOWDY HEY!

(spoken:) Yeeeeee-haaaaah!

TEX

That was real pretty. Give yerselves a big ole hand!

(The stage manager holds up the “APPLAUSE” sign. The audience applauds. We hear an up tempo vamp begin. Tex heads for the stage left box seating area as the olio curtain rises, revealing a gold curtain. Once in place, Tex strums along.)

TAPE START

MUSIC: “HEY HOWDY HEY” VAMP

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

It’s The All-New Woody’s Roundup! With your host Tex Tumbleweed! And starring: Jessie, the yodeling cowgirl!

(The curtain parts quickly, revealing Jessie. She waves to the folks. The vamp continues throughout the following.)

JESSIE

Yeeeeeee-haaaaaaaaah!

(Jessie waves again as the curtain drops closed.)

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

Aaaaand Bullseye, the smartest horse in the west!

(The curtain parts again. This time Bullseye is there. He attempts to juggle horseshoes. They all fall at his feet, and he waves sheepishly. The curtain drops closed again.)

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

Aaaaand the star of The All-New Woody’s Roundup. The man himself. The rootin’est, tootin’est cowboy in the wild wild west, Sheriff Woody!

(The curtain parts a third time, revealing Woody in a jaunty pose. He greets the audience.)

WOODY

Hey howdy hey, deputies!

(He puts his hand to his ear. The stage manager holds up a cue card reading “HEY HOWDY HEY, SHERIFF WOODY!”)

TEX

(leading the audience:) Hey howdy hey, Sheriff Woody!

(Woody leads the audience in a final chorus of “The Hey Howdy Hey Song,” with Tex playing and singing along and the stage manager holding up “HEY HOWDY HEY” cue card.)

WOODY

AND AWAY WE GO WITH THE ROUND-UP SHOW

WOODY, TEX AND AUDIENCE

HEY HOWDY HEY

WOODY AND TEX

(spoken:) All the folks are here so give a cheer!

WOODY, TEX AND AUDIENCE

HEY HOWDY HEY

TEX

STAY TUNED FOR AN ADVENTURE THAT’S SURE TA’ MAKE YOUR DAY

WOODY

SO SAD-DLE UP GET SET TA RIDE

TEX

AND GIDDY-UP DOGIE DON’T BE SLOW

WOODY

AND READY GET SET AND AWAY WE GO

TEX

CAUSE SHERIFF WOODY’S HERE TO SAVE THE DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

WOODY

Everybody!

WOODY, TEX AND AUDIENCE

HEY HOWDY HEY!

(Musical tag. The stage manager again holds up the “APPLAUSE” sign.)

WOODY

(applauding for the audience:) Good job! Good job! You people sure do know how to “hey howdy hey.”

(Woody turns to Tex.)

WOODY

(tipping his hat) And hey howdy hey to you, there, Tex.

TEX

Hey howdy hey, Sheriff Woody!

WOODY

I see we got us a first-class passel a’ cowfolk today!

TEX

Indeed we do!

(Woody turns to the stage manager. He’s never known quite what to make of him.)

WOODY

And hey howdy hey to you, Mr. Announcer.

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

(dutifully, but not at all western) Hey howdy hey, Sheriff Woody.

WOODY

Nice… ah... suit. Nice suit.

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

Thank you. Thank you very much.

WOODY

(to the audience) You folks all set for today’s show? (He listens as the audience responds.) Alrighty, deputies! You stay right where you are, and we’ll be right back with today’s exciting adventure! See ya’ in two shakes!

TAPE STOP

(The curtain parts for Woody. He exits. The curtain closes quickly and with no finesse whatsoever.)

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

Woody’s Roundup is brought to you by Cowboy Crunchies, the only cereal that’s sugar-frosted anddouble-dipped in chocolate!

(Tex sings the Cowboy Crunchies jingle, punctuating with some kind of percussion – xylophone?)

TEX

THE ROOTIN’ TOOTIN’ CEREAL THAT ALL THE COWBOYS EAT

COWBOY CRUNCHIES, THE TASTY TEXAS TREAT

(spoken:) Cowboy Crunchies. They’re good!

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

Yes Cowboy Crunchies. With plenty of processed sugar to put that extra pep in your step. Why just listen to this unsolicited testimonial from an average citizen:

(Tex has “disguised” himself in granny glasses, false crooked teeth, a wig and a scarf as an old woman.)

TEX (IN AN OLD LADY VOICE)

I used to have no pep at all. Then I tried Cowboy Crunchies. Now I feel like I did when I was 90! Thanks, Cowboy Crunchies!

(The stage manager is now holding up a box of Cowboy Crunchies.)

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

Yes, Cowboy Crunchies. Eat a box today! Now, back to Woody’s Roundup!

TEX

(accompanying himself on guitar to set the mood) Now, in our last episode, Jessie was hot on the trail of eeeevil rustlers when there was a sudden avalanche. Seeking refuge in a cave, Jessie was trapped when falling rocks sealed the cave plum shut! Let’s watch!

TAPE START

MUSIC: DRAMATIC CHORD

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

(dramatically) And now: Trapped!, Part One!

(The olio curtain rises. EVERYTHING BEHIND THE CURTAIN IS BLACK AND WHITE, INCLUDING THE CHARACTERS! Jessie is trapped in a one-dimensional cave, complete with one-dimensional stalagmites and stalactites. Tex uses his sound effects to create the sound of dripping water echoing deep in the cave.)

LIVE SFX: DRIPPING WATER, ECHOING

JESSIE

Holy smoke I’m trapped! I’m gonna have to think real fast or I’m

a-gonner plum sure. I know! I’ll summon my critters. Maybe they can get me outta this here pickle! (She yodels through a gap in the rocks leading out of the cave.) Yodle-odle-ay-hee-hoooo!

(The “critters” – flat cartoon drawings of goofy looking animals, appear suddenly and without the illusion of realistic movement. Some slide in as a group, others might drop in on clearly visible strings. Still others might flip up from behind set pieces. Tex uses a siren whistle to mark their entrance.)

LIVE SFX: SIREN WHISTLE

JESSIE

There ya’ are! My trusty critters! Gee but I’m glad ta’ see ya’.

(The critters twitter with concern.)

AUDIO: CRITTERS

JESSIE

What’s that? How’d I get trapped in here? Well: (like a storyteller, with lots of suspense) I was hot on the trail of evil rustlers…

(The critters react with a gasp of horror.)

AUDIO: CRITTERS

JESSIE

…when WHAM! Alla sudden I was caught in a avalanche of vibratious pro-portions!!

(The critters are too awed to speak.)

AUDIO: CRITTERS (?)

JESSIE

Thinkin’ quick, I ducked into this here cave! But then, the rocks come

a-loose and I was one-hunnerd percent trapped. I gotta figger me a way outta here!

(The critters twitter a question.)

AUDIO: CRITTERS

JESSIE

Who, me? Naw, I ain’t a-skeered! Whenever I’m feelin’ low, I jest yodel.

(The critters giggle with delight.)

AUDIO: CRITTERS

JESSIE

I always feel better when I yodel. That’s how I got m’name!

MUSIC: “JESSIE, THE YODELING COWGIRL”

JESSIE

YO-DE-LAY-EE-O-DE-LAY-EE-AY-EE

DEE-O-DO-DLE-O-DE-LAY-EE-HEE

I WAS BORN IN OKLAHOMA

IN THE ROLLING OSAGE HILLS

AND I RODE MY PINTO PONY AT FULL GALLOP FER MY THRILLS

THEN ONE DAY A SONG OF GLADNESS

BUBBLED UPWARDS FROM MY HEART

AND BURST FORTH IN MERRY MUSIC

AND I HEARD THE YODELIN’ START

AND NOW I’M JESSIE, THE YODELIN’ COWGIRL

AS DAINTY AS A FAIRY, THE PRINCESS OF THE PRAIRIE

YES I’M JESSIE, THE YODELIN’ COWGIRL

I RIDE ALONG AND YODEL MAH SONG FROM DAWN TILL DUSK TILL DAWN

CAUSE I’M JESSIE, THE YODELIN’ COWGIRL

YO-DE-LAY-EE-O-DEL-O-OH-O-DEL-

AY-EE-AY-DLE-AY-EE-AY-EE-

DEE-OH-DO-DEL-DAY-DEL-DAY-EE-DEE

(to her critters:) Now you try it!

CRITTERS

(in critter-ese)

DEE-DO-DO-DEL-O-OH-O-DEE

JESSIE

AY-EE-O-DEL-O-OH-AY-DEL-

AY-EE-O-DEL-O-OH-O-DEL-DEE

JESSIE AND CRITTERS

YO-DE-LAY-EE-O-DE-LAY-EE-AY-EE-

DEE-O-DO-DLE-O-DE-LAY-EE-HEE

JESSIE

(spoken:) Whoo-wee! That happy sound jest cheers m’heart! And I’ll tell ya’: I’m never lonesome when I yodel. ‘Cause the strangest thing always happens: I’ll be hornswoggled if somebody somewhere off in the distance don’ answer me every time!

IF I’M TRAPPED DEEP IN A CANYON

IN A CAVE OR IN A MINE

I START YODE-LIN’ AND LIKE MAGIC

‘FORE I KNOW IT, I FEEL FINE

IF I’M BLUE OR IF I’M LONESOME

I CAN FIND THE STRENGTH I LACK

‘CAUSE EV’RY TIME I YODEL,

SOMEONE ALWAYS YODELS BACK!

I SAY “I’M JESSIE” (echo: Jessie! Jessie!)

THE YODELIN’ COWGIRL (echo: The yodelin’ cowgirl)

YO-DE-LAY-EE-O-DEL-EE (echo repeats)

AY-DEE-O-DEL-OH (echo repeats)

YO-DE-LAY-DEE-O-DEL-O-DEL-O-DEE (echo repeats)

YES, I’M JESSIE (echo: Jessie! Jessie)

THE YODELIN’ COWGIRL (echo: The yodelin’ cowgirl)

(Jessie listens with joy as the echoes take the next line without her -- in three-part harmony!)

ECHO TRIO

YOU’LL RIDE ALONG AND YODEL A SONG FROM DAWN TILL DUSK TILL DAWN!

JESSIE

‘CAUSE I’M JESSIE

I’M A YODELIN’ COWGIRL

(to the audience:) Everybody yodel!!!

(The stage manager holds up cue cards spelling out the hopelessly difficult syllables as Jessie, Tex, the critters, and some brave members of the audience yodel the last chorus. Jessie’s echoes provide counterpoint, obligati, oohs, the whole shootin’ match.)

ALL

YO-DE-LAY-EE- O-DE-LO-OH

O-DE-LAY-EE-AY-DLE-AY-EE-AY-EE

DEE-O-DO-DLE-DAY-DLE-DAY-EE-DEE

DEE-DO-DO-DLE-O-OH-DEE

AY-EE-O-DLE-O-OH-AY-DLE

AY-EE-O-DLE-O-OH-O-DLE-DEE

YO-DE-LAY-EE-O-DE-LAY-EE-AY-EE-DEE-O-DO-DLE-O-DE-LAY-EE-HEE

DEE-EE-DEE

DEE-EE-EEEE

(On the final note, the cave fills with a choir of echoes, forming harmonies.)

JESSIE

Yeeeeeee-haaaaaah!

(The “yeeeee-haaaaaah”s reverberate like crazy. The song ends. The audience applauds.)

MUSIC: DRAMATIC CHORD

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

Just then Jessie got a brilliant idea!

(Tex executes the sound of a brilliant idea by hitting a bell.)

LIVE SFX: BELL

JESSIE

Hey! I got me a brilliant idea! The way I figger it, if you critters managed ta’ getcher selves into the cave, y’ c’n surely getcher selves back out agin!

(The critters twitter in agreement.)

AUDIO: CRITTERS

JESSIE

Go on now! Git! Go find Sheriff Woody and tell ‘im I need help! There’s no time to lose!

(Suddenly, Jessie and the critters freeze in a tableau (some of the critters caught in mid-air) as the announcer poses the cliffhanger questions:)

MUSIC: DRAMATIC CHORD

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

Will Jessie get out of the cave?

MUSIC: DRAMATIC CHORD

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

Where is Sheriff Woody?

MUSIC: DRAMATIC CHORD

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

Will the critters find him in time? And…

MUSIC: DRAMATIC CHORD

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

Have you had your Cowboy Crunchies today?

MUSIC: DRAMATIC (?) CHORD

TAPE STOP

(The curtain drops abruptly.)

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

Find out, after these messages:

(The announcer switches his dramatic tone for a friendly commercial approach. He holds up a box of Cowboy Crunchies.)

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

Friends, if I were to ask you if you’d rather eat a delicious bowl of Cowboy Crunchies…

(He indicates Tex, who lifts a bale of hay which had been hidden in his box seating area.)

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

…or this bale of hay…

(Tex sets the bale down.)

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

How many of you would prefer Cowboy Crunchies? Raise your hands.

(He pauses as audience members raise their hands.)

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

And how many of you would prefer…

(He indicates as Tex lifts the bale again.)

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

…the bale of hay?

(As he pauses to let audience members raise their hands again, we see a single brown hoof (Bullseye’s, obviously) extended from the middle of the curtain. It waves.)

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

There you have it, boys and girls. In a recent scientific survey four out of five viewers prefer the taste of Cowboy Crunchies, the only cereal that’s sugar frosted and double-dipped in chocolate. Get some today!

(Once again, Tex sings the Cowboy Crunchies jingle.)

TEX

IN A SCIENTIFIC SURVEY

A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY

COWBOY CRUNCHIES

THEY’RE BETTER THAN A BALE OF HAY

(spoken:) Cowboy Crunchies. They’re good!

TAPE START

MUSIC: DRAMATIC CHORD

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

And now: Trapped! Part Two!

(As the stage manager narrates, we hear a guitar strumming a western version of “You’ve Got a Friend in Me.” The curtain rises, revealing another black and white (and very flat) set: the front of the sheriff’s office and a bit of hitching post. Woody and Bullseye, also black and white, are strolling along. Woody whistles the melody.)

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

As the critters disperse to find Sheriff Woody, we find him strolling happily along with his trusty horse, Bullseye.

WOODY

YOU JUST REMEMBER WHAT YOUR OLD PAL SAID

YEAH, YOU’VE GOT A FRIEND IN ME

(spoken:) Take it, Bullseye!

(As the song continues to the bridge, Bullseye does a little soft-shoe dance as Tex creates a tapping hoof sound with coconut shells. Woody plays the stop time chords on his guitar.)

WOODY

Now that’s what I call the old soft horseshoe!

(Bullseye finishes his solo with a flourish. They dance as they “take it home.”)

WOODY

AND AS THE YEARS GO BY

OUR FRIENDSHIP WILL NEVER DIE

YOU’RE GONNA SEE, IT’S OUR DESTINY

OH, YOU GOT A FRIEND IN ME (spoken:) One more time!

YOU GOT A FRIEND IN ME!

(spoken:) That’s right!

(The number ends with a twang. The stage manager holds up the “APPLAUSE” sign.)

WOODY

Yeee-haa, that was fun! Let’s do another one, Bullseye! How about a good old cowboy song? The kind with plenty of yipee-ti-yo-ki-yay.

MUSIC: DRAMATIC CHORD

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

(dramatically) Just then…

(Woody and Bullseye are interrupted by the sudden arrival of the critters, entering exactly as before, to the same positions as before, again punctuated by Tex’s siren whistle.)

LIVE SFX: SIREN WHISTLE

(The critters all twitter at once.)

AUDIO: CRITTERS

WOODY

What’s that?? There was a avalanche and Jessie’s stuck in the cave and she’s yodeling to keep up her spirits but she’s almost out of air and there’s no time to lose?

ONE TINY LITTLE CRITTER VOICE

Uh-huh.

WOODY

Come on, Bullseye! Let’s ride like the wind!

(As they hurry off to help (Tex providing the hoof beats), there’s another freeze, with our announcer posing these cliffhanger questions:)

MUSIC: DRAMATIC CHORD

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

(dramatically) Will Woody and Bullseye save the day?

MUSIC: DRAMATIC CHORD

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

Will they get there on time? And…

MUSIC: DRAMATIC CHORD

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

Just what is a yipee-ti-yo-ki-yay anyhow?

MUSIC: DRAMATIC (?) CHORD

TAPE STOP

(The curtain comes down abruptly.)

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

Find out! When we return for the dramatic conclusion of today’s adventure: Trapped!

TEX

Well now friends, as most of you know our cast is jest about as muti-talented as they come. So we’ve asked our own Cowgirl Jessie to favor us with a feat a’ death dee-fyin’ marksmanship. Let’s welcome her to the stage: Jessie, the yodelin’ cowgirl!

TAPE START

(The curtain parts, revealing the olio curtain from the opening. Tex leads the applause as Jessie enters IN COLOR. She waves happily to the crowd. Tex speaks to her from his box seat.)

TEX

Hey howdy hey, there, Jessie!

JESSIE

Hey howdy hey, Tex! (to the audience) Hey howdy hey, everybody!

(The stage manager holds up a cue card which reads HEY HOWDY HEY, COWGIRL JESSIE! as Tex leads the crowd.)

TEX (AND AUDIENCE)

Hey howdy hey, Cowgirl Jessie!

TEX

What kinda act are ya’ gonna do for the boys and girls today?

JESSIE

(She produces a slingshot from her back pocket.) Slingshot tricks!

TEX

That’s impressive!

JESSIE

It sure is, Tex. I’m a-gonna take this here slingshot and launch a rock somethin’ fierce. It’s gonna ricochet offa the back wall, down the stairs, through the kitchen, out the winda’, through the Mexican restaurant ‘cross the way, then back inta’ this here Golden Horseshoe, where it’s a-gonna knock a apple offa Mr. Announcer man’s head. Yeeee-haaaah!

TEX

(impressed) Land sakes!

JESSIE

Come on now, Mr. Announcer. Let’s see that apple I give ya’.

(The stage manager, who has surreptitiously ducked down out of sight, lifts an enormous apple over his head and into firing range. All we can see is a giant trembling apple.)

JESSIE

Come on now! You know that ain’t the apple I brung ya’! (coaxing him like a little kid) Come on…

(The stage manager reluctantly pulls the giant apple back out of sight, replacing it with a normal sized apple. He remains hidden. Now all we can see is a normal sized trembling apple.)

JESSIE

(still coaxing) Aw, come on. I ain’t gonna hurtcha. Now stand up like I told ya’.

STAGE MANAGER

(miserable) Alright, but be careful.

JESSIE

Aw, ain’t he cute? Now there’s just one more thing: I’m a-gonna do the whole thing: blindfolded!

STAGE MANAGER

B-b-b-blindfo-- Oh my heavens.

(Jessie speaks as she quickly covers her eyes with a blindfold. The back of the eye piece reads “COWBOY CRUNCHIES”.)

JESSIE

Tex, gimme a drumroll!

(Tex turns the handle of a ratchet, producing a downsized drumroll.)

LIVE SFX: DRUMROLL

(Now blindfolded, Jessie addresses the stage manager.)

JESSIE

Okay, now. Hold yerself steady as a hitchin’ post. Here goes!

(Jessie checks the direction of the wind, aims and shoots. We hear the rock whir by over head, knock against a wall, thump down stairs, clang through pots and pans, cause chickens to squawk, break a pane of glass, boing and pong, whoosh through the air, ricocheting off every imaginable surface in the place and even knocking off Tex’s hat before nailing its target.)

AUDIO: RICOCHET SEQUENCE

(The apple goes flying off the stage manager’s head. He reaches down to retrieve it… and comes up with a fully cooked apple pie in a red gingham cloth!)

AUDIO: OVEN TIMER BELL (DING)

JESSIE

Oops! Guess I don’t know my own strength!

MUSIC: TA-DAH!

TEX

Cowgirl Jessie, everybody!

(Jessie waves as she exits. She “ad-libs” to the audience as she goes.)

JESSIE

Thanks everybody. See ya’ later. (to one particular audience member:) Gee that’s a purty dress.

(And she’s gone. The front curtain closes.)

TAPE STOP

TEX

Well! That sure was some fancy shootin’. Now b’fore we return fer the excitin’ conclusion to today’s adventure, I’m gonna need yer help with one o’ my sound effects: the sound of a stampeding flock of buffalo.

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

(correcting him) Herd.

TEX

Huh?

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

Herd. As in, “herd of buffalo.”

TEX

Well a-course I heard of ‘em. Yer gonna hear a whole flock of ‘em in a minute.

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

No—I—Nevermind.

TEX

Now where was I? Now in order to make this particular sound effect, I wontcha all ta’ stomp yer little feet and snort, jest like this:

(He demonstrates.)

TEX

Can ya’ do that fer me? Let’s hear it.

(Audience members stomp their feet and snort.)

TEX

And cut! Say! You all are jest natural born sound effects artistes! That was so real I could smell it! Now watch fer yer cue from our stage manager, and do it jest like we practiced, okie doke?

(They respond.)

TEX

Well, okie doke! Now let’s see what’s happenin’ in our story. (to the stage manager:) It’s all yers chief.

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

Thank you.

TAPE START

MUSIC: DRAMATIC CHORD

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

(dramatically) And now, Trapped! – Part Three!”

(As the stage manager narrates, the olio curtain scrolls up once more, revealing yet another flat, black and white set. We’re now outside the entrance to the cave. There are one-dimensional rocks and trees. A one-dimensional boulder blocks the cave’s entrance.)

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

As Woody and Bullseye rush to the scene, we find Jessie doing her best not to despair.

(We hear Jessie’s muffled voice from within the cave.)

JESSIE (OFF-STAGE)

(singing half-heartedly, a capella) Oh yes I’m Jessie… the yodelin’ cowgirl…

(Suddenly, the black and white Woody, Bullseye and critters appear. Tex once again brings the critters in with a siren whistle.)

LIVE SFX: SIREN WHISTLE

WOODY

There it is! The entrance to the cave! And it’s sealed shut!!

JESSIE (OFF-STAGE)

(yelling to him) That you Woody?

(Her voice echoes from within the cave.)

WOODY

Hey howdy hey, Jessie! We’ll have you outta there in two shakes!

MUSIC: DRAMATIC CHORD

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

(dramatically) But how?

WOODY

Here, Bullseye! Help me push these rocks out of the way!”

(Bullseye nods in agreement. The critters discuss the situation with concern.)

AUDIO: CRITTERS

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

(scientifically) But the rocks were much too heavy, and Woody and Bullseye were unable to gain sufficient traction since it had rained recently and the earth had turned to mud.

(Woody and Bullseye push at the rock flat. Tex provides the sound of mud squishing under foot with the help of four plungers and a wooden box filled with mud.)

LIVE SFX: FOOTSTEPS IN MUD

(Unable to move the rock, Woody and Bullseye give up.)

CRITTERS

(disappointed) Awwwwww.

WOODY

(a little frustrated) Well then, I’ll use this tree branch to pry the rocks away!

(He brings out a small gray tree branch from behind a rock and starts trying to pry the rock away from the cave entrance. Tex provides a squeaking sound with the use of a squeak box.)

LIVE SFX: SQUEAKING

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

But, as our loyal viewers will recall from episode 11, all the trees in this region had been weakened by a sudden influx of termites.

WOODY

Gimme a break!

(The stick breaks.)

SFX: BREAKING STICK

( The critters watch silently. Woody, immensely frustrated, sputters, then heads off stage.)

WOODY

Aaach! Pfff! (He exits.)

(We hear him stomp around backstage.)

SFX: FOOTSTEPS

(Bullseye looks at the critters, who are completely useless. We hear Woody returning. He quickly re-enters with a black and white jackhammer.)

WOODY

(still “acting”) This jackhammer oughta do the trick.

(The critters twitter triumphantly.)

AUDIO: CRITTERS

JESSIE (OFF-STAGE)

Woody? What’s goin’ on out there? (Her voice echoes.)

WOODY

I’ll have ya outta there in jig time, Jessie.

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

And indeed he would….

WOODY

Finally!

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

…were it not for the lamentable fact that the jackhammer had not yet been invented, and would not be for some hundred years.

(The critters discuss this historical fact.)

AUDIO: CRITTERS

(Giving up, Woody tosses the jackhamer over the cave flat in disgust. As the stage manager chuckles softly to himself, Woody looks in his direction and addresses him directly.)

WOODY

Ah, excuse me..

(Silence. Everone is shocked that Woody has broken character. It’s as if someone has called “line” on opening night. The announcer turns tentatively to the stage, doubtful that Woody would be talking to him.)

WOODY

(slightly edgy) Yo-hoo. Yeah, you. Hi. Could you come here for a minute?

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

(completely shocked) I, uh, I’m not supposed to… not supposed to… (He points to himself and to the stage.) I mean we’re right in the middle… there are.. (He indicates the audience.)

WOODY

Ya, ya I know. Just come here for a second. I wanna have a little chat.

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

Uh…alright…

(The stage manager leaves the safety of his box and heads for the stage. The houselights come up.)

WOODY

(to his fellow “actors”) Sorry about this, guys. Take five.

(Bullseye and the critters mutter unintellingible ad libs. If we could understand them, we’d hear things like: “Yeah, well, we’d kind of like to wrap this up,” “What’s this guy’s problem anyway?” “I’m gonna have to call the union,” and “This is the last time I work for scale!” They take a break. )

AUDIO: CRITTERS AND BULLSEYE

(Tex puts down his guitar and reads the “Cowboy Musicians Union Newsletter.” Meanwhile, the stage manager, still shocked, has joined the cast.)

WOODY

Ah! There he is. Listen pal: (He puts his arm around the stage manager’s shoulder.) You think you could be just a little more helpful?

STAGE MANAGER

(He’s self consciously aware of being in front of an audience. And being in color is almost like being naked.) Uh... I guess – I guess I could.

WOODY

I mean we all have places to be, you know?

(The critters mutter in agreement.)

AUDIO: CRITTERS

(Bullseye nods, leaning impatiently against the proscenium, very close to calling his agent.)

WOODY

Now why don’t you just narrate us out of this situation and we can let these nice people go on over to Big Thunder Mountain? OK?

(The stage manager nods and shyly returns to his post. The characters resume their positions. The houselights go out again. Back at his microphone, the stage manager clears his throat, then resumes the story with full dramatic gusto as if there had been no interrupton.)

MUSIC: DRAMATIC CHORD

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

But wait! What’s that behind that tree?

WOODY

(wildly searching behind a tree) Where? What tree?!

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

(pointedly, but still in his announcer voice) The one to Woody’s left.

WOODY

Aha!

(Woody pulls out a giant dynamite plunger. The box reads “TNT”. The critters gasp.)

AUDIO: CRITTERS

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

Yeeeees, as luck would have it, a TNT detonator box was hidden conveniently amid the foliage.

(Woody runs to the cave entrance as Bullseye prepares to trigger the dynamite.)

WOODY

(yelling into the cave entrance) Stand back, Jessie! (Woody’s voice echoes inside the cave.)

JESSIE (OFF-STAGE)

O.K. Woody. (Her voice echoes too.)

WOODY

Bullseye! Hit it!

(Bullseye gives the “thumbs up” (without the thumbs of course). As a short vaudeville riff plays, he “hoofs” over to the detonator, and pushes the plunger. There’s a small explosion of black and gray confetti as the rock blocking the cave entrance slides out of the way.)

SFX: EXPLOSION SOUND

(The critters go nuts.)

AUDIO: CRITTERS

(Jessie, once again in black and white, emerges.)

JESSIE

Tarnation! Thought I’d never get outta that there cave!

WOODY

Sure are glad to see ya’, Cowgirl Jessie. Come on, everybody. Chocolate milk’s on me!

ALL

Yeeee-haaaaah!

MUSIC: CHORD

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

But the celebrating was cut short when the ever-vigilant Bullseye alerted our heroes to the distant sound of a stampeding… herd of buffalo.

(The stage manager holds up a card reading: “STAMPEDE.” Tex leads the audience in moderate foot stomping. On stage, Bullseye cups a hoof to his ear, listens, then nods to Woody and Jessie.)

(The stage manager holds up another card reading: “STAMPEDE LOUDER,”Tex encourages the audience.)

JESSIE

And it’s a-comin’ this way!

(The critters gasp in horror.)

AUDIO: CRITTERS

(The stage manager holds up another card reading: “STAMPEDE REALLY REALLY LOUDLY.” Tex encourages the audience.)

JESSIE, WOODY AND CRITTERS (IN CRITTER-ESE)

OH NO!!!

(As the sound grows louder (provided by our audience), the characters freeze for the final cliffhanger. The announcer flips his cue card over. The other side reads, simply, “STOP.”)

MUSIC: DRAMATIC CHORD

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

“What will happen to our heroes? Tune in next time for episode 15, Shuffle off to Buffalo!”

MUSIC: “THE HEY HOWDY HEY SONG” (REPRISE)

(The curtain closes quickly. We hear the intro to a lively reprise of “The Hey Howdy Hey Song.” The curtain quickly opens again. The characters take their bows as they all sing. They indicate Tex and the stage manager, who also bow.)

ALL

WE HAD OUR FUN NOW THE SHOW IS DONE

TEX

(spoken:) Everybody!

ALL

HEY HOWDY HEY

WE SING THIS SONG TO SAY “SO LONG”

HEY HOWDY HEY

YOU’LL ALWAYS HAVE ADVENTURE, AS YOU RIDE ALONG YOUR WAY

SO TOODLE-LOODLE-LAY

WOODY

(spoken:) Hey Howdy!

ALL

AND A YIPEE-YI-YO-KI-YAY

WOODY

(spoken:) Say Howdy!

ALL

TILL ONCE AGAIN WE SAAAAAAY

HEY HOWDY HEY!!

(On the final note, the characters turn upstage as a black and white sunset drops into place. As they stroll off into the sunset, the gold curtain closes quickly. Just as the music ends, Woody – IN FULL COLOR – pops his head through the gap in the curtain.)

WOODY

Hey howdy hey, everyone! Thanks for coming! (to the stage manager) Hey, thanks for helping us out. You’re a real buckaroo! (to the audience) We’ll see ya’ soon! I love you people! Bye-bye! Mwah!

(Woody blows a kiss and withdraws as the lively swing of the Woody’s Roundup theme comes through the speakers, beginning with an instrumental section.)

TAPE STOP

TAPE START: “WOODY’S ROUNDUP THEME”

(The olio curtain descends. Our announcer, beaming from Woody’s compliment, does an enthusiastic wrap up.)

ANNOUNCER (STAGE MANAGER)

This has been The All-New Woody’s Roundup! Brought to you by: Cowboy Crunchies. Cowboy Crunchies. Eat a box today! Boys and girls, please watch your step as you exit and be sure to collect all your personal belongings. For your safety, please no slingshot tricks at the dinner table. The All-New Woody’s Roundup is a Nick Segal production. This is your announcer Wilson Netherspoon saying: See you next time. Bye-bye!

(The stage manager waves and exits as the vocals begin.)

RIDERS IN THE SKY (RECORDING)

WOODY’S ROUNDUP

RIGHT HERE EV’RY DAY

WOODY’S ROUNDUP

COME ON, IT’S TIME TO PLAY

THERE’S JESSIE, THE YODELIN’ COWGIRL

YO-DE-LAY-EE-YO-DEL-O-DLE-YO-DE-LAY-EE-OH-EE

BULLSEYE, HE’S WOODY’S HORSE (He’s a smart one!)

PETE THE OLD PROSPECTOR

AND WOODY THE MAN HIMSELF OF COURSE

IT’S TIME FOR WOODY’S ROUNDUP

HE’S THE VERY BEST

HE’S THE ROOTIN’EST, TOOTIN’EST COWBOY IN THE

WILD WILD WEST

(instrumental)

WOODY’S ROUNDUP

COME ON AND GATHER ‘ROUND

WOODY’S ROUNDUP

WHERE NOBODY WEARS A FROWN

BAD GUYS GO RUNNIN’

WHENEVER HE’S IN TOWN

HE’S THE ROOTIN’EST, TOOTIN’EST, SHOOTIN’EST, HOOTIN’EST COWBOY AROUND

WOODY’S ROUNDUP

THE END….OR IS IT????

* or morning or evening, as appropriat